So I mentioned the whole internalization thing in the last post. Well when I become frustrated and annoyed it increases ten-fold. Once that happens there is really no way that I am going to get anything accomplished. I will dwell deeper and deeper into my own mind hashing and re-hashing things over and over and over.
Unfortunately that has been an issue over the past two months. Stories come in the news cycle that set me off, an abundance of incompetence will frustrate me or I’ll be baffled by individuals that have no regards for doing the right thing and are more focused on their own self-absorption. For a while I was really hitting a dark place mentally and couldn’t find a way to bring myself back out. It was like the concept “waves of depression” and being trapped in the tide. Every time you think you’re back at the shore the undertow rips you back out and it’s like starting from scratch.
I feel like I’m better than I was a month ago but that doesn’t mean better. It’s all relative. It all continues to be trapped inside my own head and the cycle never seems to break. The fact that I can’t seem to resolve it become a source of frustration that feeds it. And knowing that is another source of frustration that feeds it.
I often feel that just isolating myself from other people will vastly improve my demeanor although I know it is not a realistic solution. I don’t think being a hermit in the woods is a sustainable lifestyle for me but perhaps temporarily it could be a means to an end.
I don’t really have an ending for this because it’s not really over. I needed to get it down or more importantly out because keeping it internalized is just not healthy.