This morning I was talking to someone while waiting for the train when a third person arrived on the platform and struck up a conversation with the same person I had been speaking to. I know the two of them are friends and not wanting to particularly be involved in the conversation I slightly backed away and removed myself. I tend to do this frequently as I despise being trapped discussions I have no interest in but today I had an odd thought as I stood there.
“The adults are talking.”
I realized what I had done was the same thing a child would do. The adults are talking so I’m going to go somewhere else and be invisible for a little while. I then realized that I rarely every feel like the adult in the room and that includes when I’m in a room with children.
Now to clarify that last point, whenever I’m with children I try not to talk down to them or overly simplify a conversation. I believe that is a disservice to them and their growth. I tend to have more of a kinship with children and try to be more actively engaged with them. Perhaps I’m lowering myself while elevating them and creating a balance. I don’t have children of my own so I infrequently need to be a disciplinarian which I think helps to be able to create such a balance. Things might be different if I was the one needing to lay down the rules and structure.
But when it comes to being in a room with other adults I’m a bit more passive. I have no need to dominate the environment and tend to yield the floor to those who do. Sometimes this is done subconsciously and it’s not until time has passed that I realized that I’ve done it. It may be that I was brought up to respect my elders and I don’t really view myself as an adult. I’m a firm believer of the adage “grow older but not up” so I’m not sure if that’s ever going to change.
There’s also the fact that some people have dominate personalities and others more submissive. With that I feel like a flip back and forth depending on how comfortable I am in the current situation. The more comfortable I am the more confident I am and therefore the more apt to take over a situation.
So the real question in acknowledging this would be “is it a problem in my life?” I don’t have an answer. On one hand I’m sure it hasn’t helped my professional career but on the other I’m sure it’s kept me out of conversation I didn’t want to be a part of. Knowing this and being self-aware of it will allow me recognize when I’m doing it and utilizing that to my advantage.
I post a lot of photos of sunrises here and usually all from the same vantage point. I try to take the same photo on different days. I find it interesting to see the change of colors and clouds and position from day to day. From an artistic perspective they are fascinating to me.
Sunrises aren’t miracles. They happen every day and we know why so by that very definition they’re not miracles. They also aren’t singular. The same sunrise happens a million different ways depending on who is viewing it and where they are viewing it. In a way that does makes them unique to the individual seeing it. I like the thought of that – that the sunrise I am seeing no one else in the world is seeing it.
Has the dawn ever seen your eyes – Greg Lake
I do think they can provide a feeling of hope. A sunrise signals the beginning of a new day and therefore the potential of a new beginning. Today will be different than yesterday. Today will be better than yesterday. It’s amazing that a burning orb of gasses in the sky can make us feel that way. And we don’t even have to see it ourselves – looking at a photo of a sunrise can incite that same feeling.
I recommend watching a sunrise, and I mean really watching it, whenever possible. See the way the colors change, the way the temperature rises slightly, how everything becomes more visible and the effect it has on you. I find them to be a very positive part of any day. I mean you never heard someone say “That sunrise is making me so angry” have you?
So I mentioned the whole internalization thing in the last post. Well when I become frustrated and annoyed it increases ten-fold. Once that happens there is really no way that I am going to get anything accomplished. I will dwell deeper and deeper into my own mind hashing and re-hashing things over and over and over.
Unfortunately that has been an issue over the past two months. Stories come in the news cycle that set me off, an abundance of incompetence will frustrate me or I’ll be baffled by individuals that have no regards for doing the right thing and are more focused on their own self-absorption. For a while I was really hitting a dark place mentally and couldn’t find a way to bring myself back out. It was like the concept “waves of depression” and being trapped in the tide. Every time you think you’re back at the shore the undertow rips you back out and it’s like starting from scratch.
I feel like I’m better than I was a month ago but that doesn’t mean better. It’s all relative. It all continues to be trapped inside my own head and the cycle never seems to break. The fact that I can’t seem to resolve it become a source of frustration that feeds it. And knowing that is another source of frustration that feeds it.
I often feel that just isolating myself from other people will vastly improve my demeanor although I know it is not a realistic solution. I don’t think being a hermit in the woods is a sustainable lifestyle for me but perhaps temporarily it could be a means to an end.
I don’t really have an ending for this because it’s not really over. I needed to get it down or more importantly out because keeping it internalized is just not healthy.
I realize it’s been almost two months since I’ve written anything here and i know the reason why. Well there’s not actually one reason beyond the fact that I have issues. Are they issues or problems? I’m not sure but here they are:
I struggle with consistency
Consistency is actually very important thing to me in my life. My morning routine varies very little every morning. I get up, I workout, I do language lessons, I have coffee and on the weekends I’ll also feed the dogs. I have to do these things every day or it gives me an “out” to stop doing them. As long as I keep it up – I’m good. When it comes to writing I’ve never developed that routine and have made it stick. I try as I have multiple projects that require writing but in the end the discipline isn’t there.
I internalize everything
This is probably more of an issue than anything. I have written numerous articles, poems, lyrics, books which have never made their way out of my own head. I also have many conversations with people you aren’t present at the time these conversations are happening. Don’t get me started on arguments – I’ve had more of those in my own head than I can count.
So what am I going to do about it?
Well I’m writing this as a start. I actually started writing in my head first but then grabbed my iPad and finished it by actually typing. Will it be the catalyst to create consistency in my writing? I guess we’ll find out.
When you realize the gust of wind is blowing your cup of coffee off the railing you placed it on and you know you won’t reach it in time.
“Eggs of Ma” – A red roasted pepper quiche with a flaky crust.