Reflective Rant

I feel there is no greater burden to bare
Than to know oneself and to be self-aware

I just wrote that poem, just now. The opening line of this article was rhyming so I turned it into a poem. Anyway.

I have been very reflective lately and taking careful stock of myself. I find that as I get older it become more necessary to me to grow as a person and realize what I contribute to the world as a human being living in it. I can’t say I was always a great person or even a good person at times. There are things I regret doing and saying but also some that I understand better through the filter of experience and knowledge. I spend a lot of time trying to do the right thing.

It’s exhausting.

I mean if you’re really paying attention to everything you do and why you do it, well you spend a lot of time thinking and analyzing. That can be mentally draining because that’s not all you’re doing – you still have to lead the rest of your life while you’re doing that. So it would be much easier to I’ve your life not being self-aware or worrying about what you’re contributing to the world.

Even just in writing this I’m expending a certain amount of energy while being introspective of myself and passing that along to whomever feels compelled to read it and perhaps it lights a spark within them to be more self-aware. And then there’s someone in the next train car over talking loudly on a cell phone annoying everyone around them and not caring at all who is expending no energy and will most likely be happy because they have no understanding of what they are contributing.

So it led me to the line “Ignorance is bliss” which was first written by Thomas Gray and in context meant it was better to be ignorant of your own fate but out of context has been made to mean a multitude of things including how I’m going to use it now.

It is easy to be happy when you don’t care about anything or anyone around you. You can be a horrible person and still sleep soundly at night. You don’t worry about things as much or at least not anything of any substantial value. In some ways it doesn’t sound half bad but the reality, at least for me, is that people like that anger and annoy me to no end. That in turn causes me to be self-aware of my own anger and need to do something about it. Then I think of how judgmental I’m being and feel the need to do something about it. And then I get angry that I feel like I need to do something about my anger and being judgmental and the cycle continues dissipating slightly with ever go around until it subsides to a point where I’m somewhat in a good mood.

It’s exhausting

I do feel I am a better person for going through the mental exercises but sometimes I want to be the asshole who gets into a fight with their best friend in a restaurant and flips over the table and belittles the waiter while storming out but then still calls the friend the next to see what’s up. I mean I really don’t but I think you understand my point.


About Sean White

A self-made minus-millionaire.
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